through and through...

        So as I promised I would fill you  in on this past year, almost now, that I have neglected to blog during. So now where to start...
        Just to clarify the guy in the picture from my very first post, well we are no longer together. Friends, yes, but lovers no more. He made me choose between him and the sorority I was a new member of and I choose my sorority and schooling over him. When he made me choose, someone else came in and befriended me. He supported me, loved my passion in band, school, Delta Zeta, and life in general.
        He showed me what real love was. I came from a broken home, where I doubted the meaning of love and true happiness. Isn't that what we all want in our lives? He gave me that, he showed me a side to life I had never imagined. But with that came more bad than good. He wouldn't stand for me to be friends with ex-boyfriends. He wouldn't dare be understand of friends of the opposite sex. And lying to him when trying to tie up loose ends with my ex was just icing on the cake.
        He considered my lying cheating. We tried to fix things, but it never worked. I didn't realize it but he took my spirit. He controlled me more than I wanted to realize...my soon to be sisters at the time saw it, my relationship with my dad was going to down hill so he wasn't in the picture, and I lost all motivation for school and classwork. He convinced me to move in with him...he went through my phone records, my emails, everything...our arguments eventually turned into fighting.
        It escalated from yelling and screaming to actual physical abuse. It all started when he got in my face. I warned him I would hit him to back off but he didn't listen; he egged me on. And so I did. I pushed him away and when he came back into my face I smacked him...next thing I knew I was in the bathroom bawling and screaming because I couldn't hear. He smacked me back and hit me so hard he made my ear ring and my jaw go numb. I was literally scared of him because he promised to never hit me...after that our next real fight he picked me up, choking me and threw me across the room to the bed. I started packing my things to leave I was so scared. Even though I didn't want too and I loved him, he had turned into a monster...
        When he finally broke up with me I turned to my ex before him and he turned to his ex before me. For two months he had her over during the week, and me on the weekends. He had me convinced that I still had a chance, I just had to show him; prove it to him. So I did. I gave up everything. I did everything he wanted, but I still wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough. He would lie when I asked him about his ex. He would even get mad sometimes, or frustrated. Once I found out I was pregnant, that's when I found everything out. I found out the truth behind everything he was doing and now there was a baby in the equation.
         I always said I would never do what I did but for some reason I let him make the decision about what to do now that there was a baby in the picture. I let him influence me and control me. Even more now. We fought and argued still, but in the end he convinced me an abortion was the best option. As parents you want what's best for your child. You don't want them to have to be in a separated family. We want to be able to provide for our child and not have to say no because we couldn't afford things. I knew I was going to have to give up my goals and dreams for this baby...it seemed so surreal most days.
         I still remember the day we went to the clinic like it was yesterday. I remember every emotion I felt...It really was the longest day of my life, but he was right there beside me going through this with me. But he did go through what I did. He didn't have the ultrasound done to determine how far along the fetus was. He did have blood work done, or watch the movie informing you what the procedure entailed, or have an IV in his arm. He did have to sit in the prep room in a gown with another girl going through the same thing as you. He did have to lay on a hospital bed, with his legs in stir-ups counting the butterflies on the poster they had on the ceiling. He didn't had medicine put in his IV to make you go numb. He didn't hear the sound of the vacuum or feel the tugging when the procedure was performed...he didn't feel your own child being taken from you...
         I wanted to tell her to stop. I wanted the doctor to stop, right when she started. But I knew then that she couldn't. My baby was gone and if she had only done a partial abortion my baby would be still born or even possibly deformed because of it...according to the law, you are required to wait 4 hours between the time of the blood work and ultra sound and the time the procedure is performed. During those 4 hours I wanted to run. I wanted to leave. But I couldn't...our relationship was so broken and I knew I couldn't raise a child on my own. I didn't know if I could rely on him to be there through the pregnancy or be a part of the child's life after birth. I just couldn't...
          That day, was the first day in a long time I had herd him tell me he loved me and actually meant it. He was the guy he was when I fell in love with him. He was supportive, caring, and loving...but no matter what he wouldn't understand. I know he tried...he let me stay with him during my recovery. But he wasn't there most of the time. He would leave the apartment and go do whatever. I honestly don't know what...I sort of pushed him away at first. Just because I was so upset. I literally cried for two days straight...
           After my week of recovery and my three week check up things went back to chaos. I went back to living in my room and he went back to spending his time with his ex or whatever it was he did. The day things completely ended between us was a very interesting day. He started out texting me, talking about wanting me to come over and was talking about giving our relationship a second chance because we'd been through so much. But in a matter of minutes that all changes. My ex had messaged him, telling him that I had spent time with him and was hiding that there was a possibility it could have been his child. I know for a fact it was not his child, but I had only done what he had done to me with his ex...and yet I was still the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I went to his apartment to try and talk to him, but she was there so everything he had said earlier that morning I questioned...but he would not answer the door or talk to me. That was the day it completely ended between us.
           Now, not only was I grieving a child, I was grieving this man who had made me believe in true happiness. That true love really existed. A man who showed me what it was like to hope for and plan a future with someone...Months went by and we didn't talk. I tried calling him when I would break down and get tore up about it all. But it was still, no answer. No response...Nothing...I was alone and empty.
           During the next 6 months I threw myself into work. I worked three jobs and lived alone. I was seeing a counselor on a weekly basis and taking medicine to help me control my emotions and fight depression and anxiety. I did anything and everything I could to keep my mind off of what had happened. I sought out a better relationship with God and started writing letters to my baby. I had dreamt about her when I first found out I was pregnant. It was a beautiful little girl with Blonde hair, like her father, but curly like me. She had his blue eyes...and grinned from ear to ear just like me. She was beautiful.
            Before all this happened I didn't care too much for wanting kids. I knew I would eventually have some, but I never had a yearn for wanting to be a mother. I had never thought there was such a thing as true love. In today's society the divorce rate is much higher so I had accepted it may take a divorce or two for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But because of Josh and Lily that all changed...
            I know now that I want to be a mother more than anything in this world and I want to find someone to love me as much as I love them and live happily ever after making all our dreams come true. I thank Josh, for everything. The good, the bad, the pain, and the laughter. He broke me and helped me grow in so many ways. I wouldn't be the way I am now or have the outlook on life and love and God if it wasn't for him.

I'm not very sure how to end this but I think I'll leave it there.

just smile and wave boys...

destined to be, it will be...

"I don't know why her path crossed mine; accident or grand design..."

Are the people we meet meant to have a place in our life? 

People come and go throughout all our life

but how are we to know which ones are meant to stay? 

These different people make us who we are. 

The good, the bad, the proud, the ugly. 

But what does it mean when they walk out and walk back in?

Is it lack of self confidence or God's way of something that's meant to be?

"Maybe God just kinda likes cowboys and angels"

as the leaves begin to fall...

My drive down this road,

I don't know where it goes.

The leaves are changing,

and beginning to fall. 

On this drive I think of you.

All your laughter.

Your smile.

Your tears.

I miss you.

But the leaves still change, 

Summer turns into Fall.

And life goes on...

I still think of you.

All the things you'll never get to do.

All the memories we'll never get to make.

And still on this drive,

The leaves change, and fall

From green, then yellow,

Gold, and red.

These colors you'll never get to see.

You'll never get to hear the whispers of the wind,

And the stories nature has to tell.

But still I drive on;

Slow and peaceful.

Looking around at the mountain and country side around me

Thinking how much you would love this. 

No destination set.

No direction of travel.

Just the road and the radio.

The life around me is changing out of my control

and all I know to do it just let it go.

Winding and turning like this pavement I follow.

Still the leaves change and fall.

This road never ending.

and life goes on 

As I drive, missing you, and seeing what you'll never see.

...and the greatest of these is love

     “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”

― Bob Marley

      I couldn't have said it better myself. This is what all men need to read, learn, and live by when it comes to women. We may not be perfect, we make mistakes, but in the end all we want is for someone to love and be loved in return. We all love. We put our heart out there on the line and hope you've finally found someone to prove all the others before them wrong. Some may try and fail, but some one will eventually get it right. This someone is hope. That feeling of finding someone who will love us, flaws and all, and never leave or break your heart. Maybe we're all genetically born with the ability to have faith. If so, maybe some just simply choose not to have faith. We'll never know. All we can do is just make our own beliefs and go with it. 

whoever you are and where ever you may be, know this: you are amazing and perfect in your own way so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. As for my love, past present and future, if it's meant to be, it will be. Love with all your heart, dream as big as you can, and never ever give up on something or someone you can't go a day without thinking about. Just maybe that person or thing you're always thinking about was meant to be there and not meant to be changed. To all the heartbroken, have faith. You will love again. It's hard to let things go but if you can accept the things you cannot change you will receive the serenity you're in search of at this time. 

Never let that spark inside you die. It can never be taken away. 

Love with all you have and have faith that love will find you.

      

if there's a want, there's a need...

I use to not be close with God. I grew up going to a Moravian church, but I never understood what it meant to have a relationship with God. I just simply went through the motions. 

As I have pursued my college career, philosophy and religion classes have made me really think about my religious views and what I truly believe in.

Without God, I know that I would not have been able to make it through everything that has happened in this past year. 

As the year comes to a close, I sit here and look back on everything that has happened to me in my life. God, has helped me in so many ways, I didn't even realize it at the time. 

He's helped me become the woman I am today.

He's challenged me, broke me, built me up, encouraged me, guided me, and loved me through it all. 

He's thrown so much as me in this past year, but I know now that even though it was hard as hell at that point in time, God wouldn't put something in front of me if he knew I couldn't handle it. 

I'm not one to be religious, but I found the saying above and I thought it would be a good topic to talk about.

God has made me into the woman I am meant to be. Or at least starting too. I understand that he's let people walk into my life and walk back out for a reason, and if they stay in my life they're there for a reason. 

Things happen for a reason, not just because life is out to get us.

 My life isn't perfect; it never has been and never will be, but I am happy with the life I have and the life I am living. With or without certain people in my life. But those that are here in my life, old and new, I thank you and am glad to have you to help me through all the trails and tribulations of life. 

cowboys and angels...

"I'm not sure why her path crossed mine 

Accident or grand design 

Maybe God just kinda likes 

Cowboys and angels"

silence is golden...

some say silence is golden.
silence is quiet, awkward, and earth shattering.
some of the loudest cries come out in pure silence.
silence can express so many emotions and feelings.

silence is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted.
plain, bare, and silent.

silence can build and break,
silence can understand.
silence can worry, cry, or die.

is silence really golden when it can cause so much damage?

"Diamonds are a Girls best friend..."

Obviously you've never met a True Country Girl... 

Being given the privilege to learn to ride such an amazing creature is truly a blessing. When you first sit in the saddle some feel nervous or scared. Maybe even anxious. It's all a matter of being in control for others. 

Since being able to acquire the funds to take riding lessons I have learned so much. It's my weekly therapy, I tell people. I have always had a southern perspective and way of life. Maybe not like others but to me it's southern. We all have our different opinion and definition of being from the southern and having a southern background. It's a way of life. It's an up bringing. Like everything it teaches you so much.

Like this for example. haha, it's one of my favorite quotes. My life hasn't been perfect and no I haven't had it as bad off as others, but embracing my southern roots has made me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so proud to wear my cowboy boots and listen to country music. It really makes me who I am. It reflects on who I am and my views on life and the world we live in. 

Being able to take lessons and care for a horse has changes my life. It is my therapy and it teaches me about someone other than myself. You build a bond between you and that creature. When you sit in that saddle a horse can sense everything you do. They can feel what you feel. They can read your mind and do it without giving any kind of signal or command. 

Horses have moods and thoughts just like humans. I tend to have an internal argument when I am in lessons with the horse I ride. He's leader of the barn and will do whatever he wants when he wants. If you ask him to trot he'll ask you if you're sure that's what you really want to do. He's just as stubborn as I am. It's like my trainer knew when she paired us together that we were just a like. Even though I beat myself up because I want to do it right and I am trying to be confident in my riding I have still built a relationship with this creature. Even though after lessons we are both worn out, I dismount and look him in the eyes and I can't help but smile with a little chuckle and give him the biggest and tightest hug and he hugs me back. And even though it's not spoken we both know what the other is saying. "Good work, you're amazing" or "you know you love me. I'm just as stubborn as you, but you'll thank me later..."

Before and after each lesson you must groom your horse. Muck its stall, clean it's hoofs, brush, bridle, and saddle him. I would go clean a barn before I would clean house. I don't know what it is except for passion that drives this. It's that feeling of being able to do something for someone who loves you unconditionally and not ask for anything in return. It's not about getting even or because you have too. Doing all those things are because you want too, because you love that horse, knowing that horse loves you too.

But now that my random ramble about this girl and a horse named nugget, I leave you with this because not only do southern girls love their horses, but they're also suckers for cowboy boots and big trucks. Lets go Muddin' yall!