when your world turns gray...

I found these pretty awesome quotes in my process of stumbling. Out of everything I stumbled upon these really helped me feel better about my struggles right now.

I don't know how stumble knew that I needed these but I'm glad I found them. Each one of them seems to talk about something going on in my life right now and I just had to share this. I hope these can give you the hope that they gave me. =)

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going....

I don't know if other people out there are having the same issue I am, but coming home from college for the summer is probably one of the toughest things I have ever done. I mean I've done some pretty tough stuff physically and on a learning stand point, but being away at college for 9 months and then coming home for more than a week or two is a major culture shock.

Being at college we get to figure out who we are and what we want to do. We get to screw up and make bad choices. We get to make friends that will last forever and make memories that will last even longer. You get to go out and stay out as late as you want and not have to worry about whether or not your parents will let you go. You get to learn how to manage your time and money, after many different meltdowns. No one is there to make sure your laundry is done for you or whether or not you do your homework at a certain time.

Then coming home you have to throw back in the whole parental unit. Their house, their rules. But does living under their roof give them the right to still treat you like you're 12? To talk down to you, guilt trip you, invade your privacy, tell you when and where to be, demand respect from you but do not give it themselves, not listen to what you have to say, and just over all be so obsessed with when you leave again to not really take the time you are there and enjoy it?

My summer has had it's good times, but the one thing that's really bogged me down is the situation with my dad and step mom. I feel horrible because I have three younger siblings thrown into the middle of everything. And after the shit has hit the fan and you think think things are going to start to get better, it all comes crashing down again. Things are twisted around and manipulated. Make you the bad guy. That's when you realize nothing's changed. Nothing's going to change. And when you hit that point then what do you do? What is next?

Why are things so complicated?

All [we] can do is hope, pray, have faith, and find the strength to make it through everything.

my sincere apologies...

I know I haven't blogged in a while but things have been sort of in a whirl wind of a mess. It ranges from personal life to family life and I haven't been able to really find a break anywhere. Soon I will blog and it will be something of meaning and not an apology for not writing in a while. 

to the hardest things...

Dear God,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think one of the hardest lessons we will ever learn is how to accept the things we can not change in other people and the world around us. The only thing we can truly change are ourselves and our own actions. To many people go through life trying to change everything around them when really all they need to do it look in and find that something so small as saying "thank you" can make the biggest difference. But being about to look in and find that about one's self requires the courage to admit and accept one's own flaws. 

We are all born human and all born with imperfections. Why do some go through life trying to change someone else's imperfections? I want someone who is the most imperfect they are so perfect for me. Just like the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I think finding that perfect someone is the same way. No one is perfect so why try so hard to be?

crazy...over the rainbow she is crazy...

According to the World English Dictionary the word "Confusion" can be defined as: the act of confusing or the state of being confused, disorder or jumble, bewilderment or perplexity, and/or the lack of clarity or indistinctness. Here lately I have had this feeling of confusion. It's summer vacation. Summer vacation is a time to relax and enjoy the summer. I've been able to relax physically but not mentally. There has been so much on my mind lately that I just simply do not know what to do. If I could draw or paint or whatever I'm sure I would create something like this to represent what's going on inside my mind...only much larger...

Heck, I don't know what to do about things. I kinda want to just let time take over and handle things but knowing me and my luck I'll regret not doing anything about it to begin with. So now I'm stuck having to wade through: financial issues, class schedule and issues, finding the money to go see friends that do not live close by, finding old friends from high school to hang out and catch up with, bettering my eating habits, get a grip on my physical fitness, handle my parents and their issues, try not to loose my cool over everything, and well the list keeps going...I guess all I can really do is just see how things go and act when the time is right. All I can do is look forward to August and enjoy the good things that come my way. Until then, my mind is probably going to be like this: 

pounding the pavement...

So I have officially been home from college for a little over two weeks and I'm ready to go back. I am bored out of my mind it's driving me insane. I miss all my friends and boyfriend. I have been looking for a job to maybe help keep me busy and make some money =) but of course the place is not hiring until the beginning of June or just doesn't want to hire "summer help." ugh. I'm really starting to wish I'd taken summer classes because now I'm stuck sitting around, which is something I am NOT too fond of doing. I have filled out so many stinking applications it's not even funny. I did get one job offer but it required me to work EVERY Saturday. I would like to be able to take off and go see my boyfriend or something one Saturday if I wanted too. I'm kind of wondering if maybe I should have taken the job anyways and just suffered through having to work EVERY Saturday...I'm really hoping one of the other applications I turned in will come through. Any one know of an opening?

put one foot in front of the other...

So for some reason today I have noticed that there are people in this world that walk like retards. Some have a corn cob stuck up their ass, others take super long strides, where some take teeny tiny steps. And then there's those that walk pigeon toed. What is with that? Did your parents not teach you how to walk properly when you were little? Feet are just weird in my opinion. No, I don't have a phobia of feet, but some people have nasty looking feet. If your toe nails are creepy long, cut them. It never hurts to get a pedicure every now and then. That way your toes can look all pretty like these :)

Then there's some people that have really weird toes too, like where your second toe is bigger than your big toe. I herd that people with toes like that are really kinky in bed. I don't know if that's true or not though. It's just something I herd. And then the size of people's toe nails. You either have super small or normal sized ones that you can actually paint and make pretty. The people who have very prominent bunions is really weird. I know you can't help those but still. It looks weird. But anyways, you can tell a lot about a person by they way they walk. Which then again that could just be me. I don't know. I just thought it was a topic not really talked about or covered in general discussion. So I'm off. Time for more packing :)

Count Down until Summer Begins/Moving Home: 3 days

the night is darkest before the dawn...

I, along with thousands of others out there, am a Twilight fan. And for all those who may be wondering, I'm team Switzerland. :-) The books are amazing and the movies are as well, in my opinion. Even my boyfriend enjoys the Twilight saga, which is a big surprise to me. I don't often hear of guys liking Twilight.

 I own all the movies that have come out so far and I am super excited for next one. Breaking Dawn Part One. Breaking Dawn was my favorite book to read out of the series. The way everything has been portrayed in the movies and even choosing Robert Pattenson and Kristen Stewart has been amazing to watch. The chemistry they have between them on the set and how they make everything come to life from page to screen is just incredible. I can only imagine what Bella's wedding dress will be like. Beautiful I am sure.

This next movie will be amazing and beautiful and just all around mind blowing. If I could live the life of Bella Swan I totally would. Even if it meant becoming a vampire in the end. Yeah she got married right out of high school and accidentally pregnant on her month(s) long honey moon but she was happy with her life. She has a man that loves and worships her. Her family is broken but she has found a new one that cares about her deeply and she's created a family of her own. She is happy. That's something I hope to find. True happiness. She can look back on her life and be satisfied because she lived and made it.

If I could trade lives with any character I would want to change with Bella Swan or Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie Bradshaw is very fashionable, funny, full of life, and a writer. She has a loving and understanding husband and three of the bestest friends anyone could ever ask for. Bella Swan is, like I said, beautiful, happy with life, determined, beautiful, passionate and a wonderful mother. Her life is a weird kind of fairytale.
 Don't we all wish for our own fairytale?

So now that I've talked about my fetish with Twilight and Breaking Down I have got to start my English Evaluation that's due Wednesday. :-P save me?

as time passes...

A day or so ago I was hunting down a card for Mother's Day. Every card I seemed to open just made me feel this great big ball of emotions build up (all good emotions of course) and it made finding a card very hard. Later that day I had to watch the movie Bruce Almighty for my Philosophy and Religion class and at the end I got all teary eyed. I think that was when it hit me. I have become more emotional about things. I used to NEVER get teary eyed during movies. When I get stressed, like I am now the week before final exams, I may have a few mini break downs because everything has built up, but never have I gotten emotional over a card or movie. The more I think about it the more I wonder if as I get older if becoming more emotional about everything come with it. I have become more appreciative of what I have and I do my best to live in the moment; make every day count. Am I more emotional because of this? 

So now that I've wasted thirty minutes writing about how I have become more emotional, I must go reflect on my experiences for my philosophy and religion class. Procrastination is the worst thing, but often times good things come of it. :) 

i don't mean to offend anyone but....

      I don't mean to offend anyone who may be reading this but what is it with obese people? I mean really? I'm not the skinniest person out there but I am not obese. I'm sitting here outside my next class waiting for it to be time to  start but instead of my sitting on one of the lovely benches provided by the school I am forced to sit on the floor. Yes, the floor. All because there is this woman, a very obese woman at that sitting on the bench. I generally would ask whoever is sitting on the bench to politely slide over so I may sit next to them but there is no room for this woman to side over. That's just how big she is. (again I'm sorry if I have offended anyone who is reading this, but I mean really, you can't sit there and complain about how big you are and how hard things are for a big person when you wont get up and go do something about it).

      America is rapidly become the most obese country. People are just lazy and don't want to do anything for themselves. Some people sit and complain about how big they are and how hard it is to go shopping, fit in cars, and just look at themselves in the mirror but all in all they will not do anything for themselves. I love food just as much as the next person but I don't sit around and eat 3 cheeseburgers from McDonald's in one setting. I don't sit eat as healthy as I wish I did, but it is so expensive to buy fruits and veggies because we do not locally grow our fresh produce anymore. We have, to an extent, grown lazy in everything we do. We are always trying to find an easier way to do things that does not require as much effort. There are only three floors in McKee and there are people who take the elevator up one floor. ONE FLOOR. I mean really. It will not kill you to take the stairs up one freaking floor.

      Being obese causes major health issues as well. All those McDonald's fries, milkshakes, and hamburgers are extremely hard for your body to digest and process. Because of all the crap in it, it even slows you down and make you more exhausted. All that fat build up can clog your arteries and cause you to go into cardiac arrest and possibly even die! Yes we all do our best to make time to relax and be lazy but when someone is 400 plus pounds and complains about everything in the world and even has a handicap parking sticker. there's something wrong there. I understand you can not just get up and go start exercising when you're that large, because you could seriously hurt yourself, but instead of complaining about everything why don't you lay off the fast food joints, eat better, and slowly build up a workout plan yourself. You'll feel better about yourself, live longer, enjoy more time with your loved ones, and just be happy.

      I'm done ranting now, class it about to start. :)

packing boxes

        So here in a few days I will be heading home for Easter break. Since there are only two weeks of school left once break is over I decided to pack up some of my things I wont be needing. I was removing stuff off my bulletin board when it really hit me. My first year of college is about to be over. Looking at all the show tickets, pictures, cards, and fortunes from fortune cookies really made me see that this year was a good one. Through all the stress, test, and classes I made so many memories.

       Yes there are still three more years ahead of me but this first year I'll never get back. That nervous and scared feeling on your first day of classes, move in day and saying good bye to your parents, meeting your room mate and suite mates for the first time, and meeting so many others going through the same things as you...I still remember my first day as a college student. I had moved in early for band camp and only knew two other people in band. I met so many people that first week an a half before classes. I even met a wonderful guy I had no idea would become my boyfriend...

       This first year has been amazing. I've made so many knew friends that I look forward to see them all next year. Western Carolina has become my home and as I'm packing to go back to Winston Salem I get that feeling of a big change all over again. I have yet to decide if it is a good or a bad feeling but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. :)

in the beginning....

I'm new to this whole blogging thing so...yeah
The summer is almost here and it's going to be quite different not being around my friends all the time. College has become my home and my friends my family (don't get my wrong I do love and miss my real family). The upcoming summer feels like a whole new transition again. Throughout the next few weeks before summer officially begins I'll be off and on trying to get use to this whole "blogging" thing. I came across a friend who had a blog and it was so interesting to read what was on her mind and how she felt about different things. It made me miss her...and so I thought since the summer is coming up and I won't be around my friend quite as much I'll start a blog and just see where it goes.

For all those reading, I hope you enjoy!