they may come and they may go...

it really sucks how people you held so dear to you don't stay in your life for very long. one minute they're there and the next, they're gone. whether its distance, communication, or other motives they may have had. i've always been one to care too much about the people i value in my life. and no matter what kind of relationship you have with a person, when they're gone, it hurts. all i want is for that person to be happy, no matter how i feel. and in turn that happened, but i got left behind....

it makes me wonder if there's something that i'm doing wrong...i've always said everything happens for a reason and things will play out how God has intended for them to be. i really hate how there are so many different factors that play into friendships and relationships. it seems like at times you're walking on egg shells and others its a smooth path...

i wish people would speak they're mind at that point in time instead of letting things get too far and when you finally confront them about it or why they're being so distant it hits you like a ton of bricks. life would be so much easier that way.

what i was once long ago...

          For some reason instead of studying for exams like every other student on Western's campus, I can't seem but to remember and reflect on my distant past. How people change and who has come and gone out of my life. Things are so different between now and then...In psychology we covered a chapter on child development and how children rationalize and grow mentally. "When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; but when I became a man I put a way these childish things." 1Corinthians 13:11. It seems as though not only does Jean Piaget's philosophy on cognitive development seem to have been lived and understood, but also that of my religious faith. I have grown so much and have come so far in this life. But not only have I lived and learned, I have seen many people come and go in my life. People I thought I could not live without I am living without. People I once loved, or what my understanding of love was, are just a faded memory...We are at the stage in life where we can either fight to hold onto those childish ways and rationality or we can become the adult we are meant to be. It's hard to find one willing to do that at times. We are all about living life to the fullest and as carefree as can be, but we will never be able to do that unless we live, love, learn, let go, and most of all, grow...sometimes I just wish this was understood by more people. (the childish games get old after a while)

         

"They say it's what you make I say it's up to fate..."

Life is so full of twists and turns
I don't know where that's from.
My demons seem to find me
and new ones are on the run.
Looks, stares, glares...they're all the same
Nothing make sense but they all remain

I am only human
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Like Charlie Brown I live my life.
Simple, plain, enjoyment, then breathe

The heart feels as the lungs breathe
Uncertainty among the air
love, loss, hard, I must confess
my emotions control me never the less.

sometimes in life you just don't know...

         Life has it's way of confusing the hell out of you. It throws your heart and mind for a loop and most days you don't know what to do. People you thought would never walk into your life, walk in and ones you never thought would walk out, walk out...

When those that walk out, walk out there's so many feelings that you have to fight and suffer through to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I want to forget everything I did and felt but then I remember, if I had never lived the life I chose to live I would've never grown into the woman I have become today. 

It makes us stronger, brighter, wiser, and even teaches us what we do and don't want out of life. We grow and learn. We all hurt, we all live, we all love, we all enjoy. 

And so, as we grow, we learn. As we live we smile, cry, laugh, and love. We learn to accept the things we cannot change and embrace the future. Your love can go unshared and unembrassed. But you learn what's real and what's not. What makes you happy and what doesn't. And then all you are left with are the memories of what use to be...

random time...

Okay, so I'm going to be a little bit of a nerd/geek right now. 

I really miss playing the old Nintendo 64. Playing Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt was the shit back in the day. Believe it or not I actually enjoy playing video games. Particularly war games or the Mario brothers. 

I really did use to always press the reset button when I got frustrated and knew I was going to loose; which was quite often 

I know it really sucks, but sometimes being in the friend zone isn't really the worst thing in the world. Things will play out how they are meant to be. Maybe it's with that friend you're secretly in love with, maybe not. But everyone needs that one friend they can turn too no matter what is going on in their lives and know that person will be there. Knowing that, that person loves them for who they are and all that they have. So, being stuck in the friend zone, isn't really so bad. I'd rather be someone's friend than someone's nothing at all.

We never know how truly strong we are until we've hit rock bottom and are left to stand alone to pick ourselves back up. It may take several nights of feeling worthless, crying, all alone, before you realize how strong you really are. That you can make it through anything. God wouldn't throw something at you if he knew you couldn't handle it. Use that strength and prove everyone else wrong. That you are that strong woman you are meant to be. Every struggle is a lesson to learn. Only you can determine how hard and how long that struggle is.

Continuing on the "Girl Power" kick, showing the ones that said you weren't good enough is the most gratifying feeling in the world. They said I couldn't do it, I said watch me. Be that fighter you know you are. Surround yourself with people who will only bring you up, not down. Don't try to impress those who don't matter, because those who matter wont mind. 

I have a good friend who believe that people can't change. But we can, we just have to choose too. We have to learn from our downs so we can kick some ass when we're up. My wrongs have taught me so much about life that I could have never been taught in a classroom. Like this picture says, "If you don't fail, you don't learn." If we didn't get some questions wrong on a test we would never be able to say "oh, okay, that's why that answer is correct." Same thing goes for lessons in life. Embrace the wrongs, so you can learn from the rights. 

and so last but not least, I leave you with this. :] 

Respect...

           Here lately I have noticed, for some odd reason, how rude people are on this college campus. I know I can be a bitch at times and piss people off but I tell them the truth whether they like it or not. Apparently some take that as being disrespectful. I can say the most simplest of things and in return I'm told I am being disrespectful. And then when walking and someone runs into me, looks back and glares. You ran into me, but I'm the one who's in the wrong? I just don't get it.
           I know I haven't been having the best of days here lately but still. I don't take it out on everyone. Better yet, I don't take it out or blame anyone. I just don't understand how people on this campus have no respect for themselves or other people as human beings. What is this world coming too? And to think these are the people next in line to run our country? I don't think so. I don't want someone who has no respect for themselves to dress appropriately, speak the truth whether it hurts someone or not, and no respect for anyone else as general human beings in control of what happens with this future country.
           I know I make people mad. I know people don't like me, but at least I am not some stuck up girl wrapped up herself with the mentality that the whole world revolves around me. I tell people the truth. I am straight forward and blunt and some people mistake that as for me being a bitch. Other's just don't like what I have to say and in turn block me out. It just irks me to know end some days. I like to handle things up front, straight forward, and not waste time and energy making things worse than they need to be. If you don't listen to what I have to say, that's your own fault, but don't tell me i'm being disrespectful and defensive when I'm just telling you something. At that point I just stop talking to you and walk away cause I'm wasting my breath and my time.
           I know that not everyone can handle things like I do and I guess that's what frustrates me most. People have their own way of handling things and in turn it complicates things more than it needs to be. No body's perfect, but at least be realistic and have some respect.

Okay, I'm done with my little rant for the day. Hope everyone has a kickass weekend!

through and through...

        So as I promised I would fill you  in on this past year, almost now, that I have neglected to blog during. So now where to start...
        Just to clarify the guy in the picture from my very first post, well we are no longer together. Friends, yes, but lovers no more. He made me choose between him and the sorority I was a new member of and I choose my sorority and schooling over him. When he made me choose, someone else came in and befriended me. He supported me, loved my passion in band, school, Delta Zeta, and life in general.
        He showed me what real love was. I came from a broken home, where I doubted the meaning of love and true happiness. Isn't that what we all want in our lives? He gave me that, he showed me a side to life I had never imagined. But with that came more bad than good. He wouldn't stand for me to be friends with ex-boyfriends. He wouldn't dare be understand of friends of the opposite sex. And lying to him when trying to tie up loose ends with my ex was just icing on the cake.
        He considered my lying cheating. We tried to fix things, but it never worked. I didn't realize it but he took my spirit. He controlled me more than I wanted to realize...my soon to be sisters at the time saw it, my relationship with my dad was going to down hill so he wasn't in the picture, and I lost all motivation for school and classwork. He convinced me to move in with him...he went through my phone records, my emails, everything...our arguments eventually turned into fighting.
        It escalated from yelling and screaming to actual physical abuse. It all started when he got in my face. I warned him I would hit him to back off but he didn't listen; he egged me on. And so I did. I pushed him away and when he came back into my face I smacked him...next thing I knew I was in the bathroom bawling and screaming because I couldn't hear. He smacked me back and hit me so hard he made my ear ring and my jaw go numb. I was literally scared of him because he promised to never hit me...after that our next real fight he picked me up, choking me and threw me across the room to the bed. I started packing my things to leave I was so scared. Even though I didn't want too and I loved him, he had turned into a monster...
        When he finally broke up with me I turned to my ex before him and he turned to his ex before me. For two months he had her over during the week, and me on the weekends. He had me convinced that I still had a chance, I just had to show him; prove it to him. So I did. I gave up everything. I did everything he wanted, but I still wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough. He would lie when I asked him about his ex. He would even get mad sometimes, or frustrated. Once I found out I was pregnant, that's when I found everything out. I found out the truth behind everything he was doing and now there was a baby in the equation.
         I always said I would never do what I did but for some reason I let him make the decision about what to do now that there was a baby in the picture. I let him influence me and control me. Even more now. We fought and argued still, but in the end he convinced me an abortion was the best option. As parents you want what's best for your child. You don't want them to have to be in a separated family. We want to be able to provide for our child and not have to say no because we couldn't afford things. I knew I was going to have to give up my goals and dreams for this baby...it seemed so surreal most days.
         I still remember the day we went to the clinic like it was yesterday. I remember every emotion I felt...It really was the longest day of my life, but he was right there beside me going through this with me. But he did go through what I did. He didn't have the ultrasound done to determine how far along the fetus was. He did have blood work done, or watch the movie informing you what the procedure entailed, or have an IV in his arm. He did have to sit in the prep room in a gown with another girl going through the same thing as you. He did have to lay on a hospital bed, with his legs in stir-ups counting the butterflies on the poster they had on the ceiling. He didn't had medicine put in his IV to make you go numb. He didn't hear the sound of the vacuum or feel the tugging when the procedure was performed...he didn't feel your own child being taken from you...
         I wanted to tell her to stop. I wanted the doctor to stop, right when she started. But I knew then that she couldn't. My baby was gone and if she had only done a partial abortion my baby would be still born or even possibly deformed because of it...according to the law, you are required to wait 4 hours between the time of the blood work and ultra sound and the time the procedure is performed. During those 4 hours I wanted to run. I wanted to leave. But I couldn't...our relationship was so broken and I knew I couldn't raise a child on my own. I didn't know if I could rely on him to be there through the pregnancy or be a part of the child's life after birth. I just couldn't...
          That day, was the first day in a long time I had herd him tell me he loved me and actually meant it. He was the guy he was when I fell in love with him. He was supportive, caring, and loving...but no matter what he wouldn't understand. I know he tried...he let me stay with him during my recovery. But he wasn't there most of the time. He would leave the apartment and go do whatever. I honestly don't know what...I sort of pushed him away at first. Just because I was so upset. I literally cried for two days straight...
           After my week of recovery and my three week check up things went back to chaos. I went back to living in my room and he went back to spending his time with his ex or whatever it was he did. The day things completely ended between us was a very interesting day. He started out texting me, talking about wanting me to come over and was talking about giving our relationship a second chance because we'd been through so much. But in a matter of minutes that all changes. My ex had messaged him, telling him that I had spent time with him and was hiding that there was a possibility it could have been his child. I know for a fact it was not his child, but I had only done what he had done to me with his ex...and yet I was still the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I went to his apartment to try and talk to him, but she was there so everything he had said earlier that morning I questioned...but he would not answer the door or talk to me. That was the day it completely ended between us.
           Now, not only was I grieving a child, I was grieving this man who had made me believe in true happiness. That true love really existed. A man who showed me what it was like to hope for and plan a future with someone...Months went by and we didn't talk. I tried calling him when I would break down and get tore up about it all. But it was still, no answer. No response...Nothing...I was alone and empty.
           During the next 6 months I threw myself into work. I worked three jobs and lived alone. I was seeing a counselor on a weekly basis and taking medicine to help me control my emotions and fight depression and anxiety. I did anything and everything I could to keep my mind off of what had happened. I sought out a better relationship with God and started writing letters to my baby. I had dreamt about her when I first found out I was pregnant. It was a beautiful little girl with Blonde hair, like her father, but curly like me. She had his blue eyes...and grinned from ear to ear just like me. She was beautiful.
            Before all this happened I didn't care too much for wanting kids. I knew I would eventually have some, but I never had a yearn for wanting to be a mother. I had never thought there was such a thing as true love. In today's society the divorce rate is much higher so I had accepted it may take a divorce or two for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But because of Josh and Lily that all changed...
            I know now that I want to be a mother more than anything in this world and I want to find someone to love me as much as I love them and live happily ever after making all our dreams come true. I thank Josh, for everything. The good, the bad, the pain, and the laughter. He broke me and helped me grow in so many ways. I wouldn't be the way I am now or have the outlook on life and love and God if it wasn't for him.

I'm not very sure how to end this but I think I'll leave it there.

just smile and wave boys...

destined to be, it will be...

"I don't know why her path crossed mine; accident or grand design..."

Are the people we meet meant to have a place in our life? 

People come and go throughout all our life

but how are we to know which ones are meant to stay? 

These different people make us who we are. 

The good, the bad, the proud, the ugly. 

But what does it mean when they walk out and walk back in?

Is it lack of self confidence or God's way of something that's meant to be?

"Maybe God just kinda likes cowboys and angels"

as the leaves begin to fall...

My drive down this road,

I don't know where it goes.

The leaves are changing,

and beginning to fall. 

On this drive I think of you.

All your laughter.

Your smile.

Your tears.

I miss you.

But the leaves still change, 

Summer turns into Fall.

And life goes on...

I still think of you.

All the things you'll never get to do.

All the memories we'll never get to make.

And still on this drive,

The leaves change, and fall

From green, then yellow,

Gold, and red.

These colors you'll never get to see.

You'll never get to hear the whispers of the wind,

And the stories nature has to tell.

But still I drive on;

Slow and peaceful.

Looking around at the mountain and country side around me

Thinking how much you would love this. 

No destination set.

No direction of travel.

Just the road and the radio.

The life around me is changing out of my control

and all I know to do it just let it go.

Winding and turning like this pavement I follow.

Still the leaves change and fall.

This road never ending.

and life goes on 

As I drive, missing you, and seeing what you'll never see.

...and the greatest of these is love

     “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”

― Bob Marley

      I couldn't have said it better myself. This is what all men need to read, learn, and live by when it comes to women. We may not be perfect, we make mistakes, but in the end all we want is for someone to love and be loved in return. We all love. We put our heart out there on the line and hope you've finally found someone to prove all the others before them wrong. Some may try and fail, but some one will eventually get it right. This someone is hope. That feeling of finding someone who will love us, flaws and all, and never leave or break your heart. Maybe we're all genetically born with the ability to have faith. If so, maybe some just simply choose not to have faith. We'll never know. All we can do is just make our own beliefs and go with it. 

whoever you are and where ever you may be, know this: you are amazing and perfect in your own way so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. As for my love, past present and future, if it's meant to be, it will be. Love with all your heart, dream as big as you can, and never ever give up on something or someone you can't go a day without thinking about. Just maybe that person or thing you're always thinking about was meant to be there and not meant to be changed. To all the heartbroken, have faith. You will love again. It's hard to let things go but if you can accept the things you cannot change you will receive the serenity you're in search of at this time. 

Never let that spark inside you die. It can never be taken away. 

Love with all you have and have faith that love will find you.

      

if there's a want, there's a need...

I use to not be close with God. I grew up going to a Moravian church, but I never understood what it meant to have a relationship with God. I just simply went through the motions. 

As I have pursued my college career, philosophy and religion classes have made me really think about my religious views and what I truly believe in.

Without God, I know that I would not have been able to make it through everything that has happened in this past year. 

As the year comes to a close, I sit here and look back on everything that has happened to me in my life. God, has helped me in so many ways, I didn't even realize it at the time. 

He's helped me become the woman I am today.

He's challenged me, broke me, built me up, encouraged me, guided me, and loved me through it all. 

He's thrown so much as me in this past year, but I know now that even though it was hard as hell at that point in time, God wouldn't put something in front of me if he knew I couldn't handle it. 

I'm not one to be religious, but I found the saying above and I thought it would be a good topic to talk about.

God has made me into the woman I am meant to be. Or at least starting too. I understand that he's let people walk into my life and walk back out for a reason, and if they stay in my life they're there for a reason. 

Things happen for a reason, not just because life is out to get us.

 My life isn't perfect; it never has been and never will be, but I am happy with the life I have and the life I am living. With or without certain people in my life. But those that are here in my life, old and new, I thank you and am glad to have you to help me through all the trails and tribulations of life. 

cowboys and angels...

"I'm not sure why her path crossed mine 

Accident or grand design 

Maybe God just kinda likes 

Cowboys and angels"

silence is golden...

some say silence is golden.
silence is quiet, awkward, and earth shattering.
some of the loudest cries come out in pure silence.
silence can express so many emotions and feelings.

silence is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted.
plain, bare, and silent.

silence can build and break,
silence can understand.
silence can worry, cry, or die.

is silence really golden when it can cause so much damage?

"Diamonds are a Girls best friend..."

Obviously you've never met a True Country Girl... 

Being given the privilege to learn to ride such an amazing creature is truly a blessing. When you first sit in the saddle some feel nervous or scared. Maybe even anxious. It's all a matter of being in control for others. 

Since being able to acquire the funds to take riding lessons I have learned so much. It's my weekly therapy, I tell people. I have always had a southern perspective and way of life. Maybe not like others but to me it's southern. We all have our different opinion and definition of being from the southern and having a southern background. It's a way of life. It's an up bringing. Like everything it teaches you so much.

Like this for example. haha, it's one of my favorite quotes. My life hasn't been perfect and no I haven't had it as bad off as others, but embracing my southern roots has made me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so proud to wear my cowboy boots and listen to country music. It really makes me who I am. It reflects on who I am and my views on life and the world we live in. 

Being able to take lessons and care for a horse has changes my life. It is my therapy and it teaches me about someone other than myself. You build a bond between you and that creature. When you sit in that saddle a horse can sense everything you do. They can feel what you feel. They can read your mind and do it without giving any kind of signal or command. 

Horses have moods and thoughts just like humans. I tend to have an internal argument when I am in lessons with the horse I ride. He's leader of the barn and will do whatever he wants when he wants. If you ask him to trot he'll ask you if you're sure that's what you really want to do. He's just as stubborn as I am. It's like my trainer knew when she paired us together that we were just a like. Even though I beat myself up because I want to do it right and I am trying to be confident in my riding I have still built a relationship with this creature. Even though after lessons we are both worn out, I dismount and look him in the eyes and I can't help but smile with a little chuckle and give him the biggest and tightest hug and he hugs me back. And even though it's not spoken we both know what the other is saying. "Good work, you're amazing" or "you know you love me. I'm just as stubborn as you, but you'll thank me later..."

Before and after each lesson you must groom your horse. Muck its stall, clean it's hoofs, brush, bridle, and saddle him. I would go clean a barn before I would clean house. I don't know what it is except for passion that drives this. It's that feeling of being able to do something for someone who loves you unconditionally and not ask for anything in return. It's not about getting even or because you have too. Doing all those things are because you want too, because you love that horse, knowing that horse loves you too.

But now that my random ramble about this girl and a horse named nugget, I leave you with this because not only do southern girls love their horses, but they're also suckers for cowboy boots and big trucks. Lets go Muddin' yall!

is it better as a memory?

"It's always times like these when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me"
   -Vanessa Carlton

Do you ever stop randomly, no matter how busy you may get, and think about that one person who made some sort of impact on you that you wish so badly you could have back? Have just one more chance to make it right, fix it, and be the person they saw you to be? Pandora must know what I'm thinking cause song after song seems to remind me of him. Makes me miss him more than I already do, want to show him I love him, show him what he means to me, and make him feel like he is worth more than the sun and moon and stars combined. Every song, old new, speaks something to me about my life, myself, and you. I always wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're thinking about me too, and if you feel the way I do...

"I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night. I miss the way we sleep...And now I miss everything about you. I can't believe it, I still want you, and after all the things we've been through. I miss everything about you, without you." -Colbie Caillat

If only I had one chance to do it over and make it right...what I would give.

somebody like you...

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”-Marilyn Monroe

Some people may frown upon Marilyn Monroe, but I am no one of them. Most days her famous quotes are what keep me going and get my through the days. If I could be anyone for a day I would want to be Marilyn. She, like many other artist and famous people came out of nothing. Marilyn wasn't fake. She wasn't getting a face lift every time you turned around and was, in my opinion, very successful and a great role model. She wasn't a size 0 and anorexic like supermodels are today. She was realistic...

This quote is probably one of my favorites (and mind you I have a billion quotes that I absolutely adore). I am selfish at times. I am the world's worst for putting myself before others unintentionally and until recently I was always insecure and thought I would never be truly happy with myself. I make mistakes on a daily basis. I have the worst luck and am so klutzy I have scars to prove it. Most days I feel out of control, over my limit, and am hard to reason with. I am so stubborn, but I always try to be open minded and handle situations as best as I can. I'm not perfect and no matter how hard I try I never will be. I will never see what others see in me. I will never understand why things happen they way they do. I try to regret nothing, but there are somethings I wish I hadn't done. God gave us one life. Once chance to live it up and live it right. But is there really a "right" way to live life? We all have different risings, different values, different opinions of right and wrong. So who is to say the choices that I am making and the life that I am living is wrong compared to another's?

Here lately I've started to write...I've never really been one to enjoy writing or really look to God or the bible for help in my struggles no matter how big or small. I've started to find that writing relieves so much stress, worries, and makes me feel better in the end. Sometimes I find a solution to all me issues through writing. Sometimes I look back and reread what I've wrote to God or wrote in general and see where something that has happened relates to what I asked God for help with...My favorite verse from the bible (which is really the only one I know by heart) is this: "there are in the end three things that last; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love" I Corinthians 13:13. I've learned to have faith that life with play out like God has it planned. I hope that something somewhere will get me through my struggles, and no matter what always love. Love your family, love your friends, love life, love God. Just love, because that's what will help you through.

"Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with dreams or wake up and chase your dreams. The choice is yours."  What choice will you make? No matter how much I want to lay in bed each morning and dream I find the will to get up and go after what I want. Otherwise you'll never have the opportunity to have what you want. You'll never move forward from the past. You'll never learn. You'll never become who you're supposed to be. And so I'll leave you with this...

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you never ask, the answer is always no. And if you never move forward, you're always in the same place."