When there's no where else to turn...

today has been...interesting to say the least.
my emotions have been on edge ever since this weekend.
of course he would come waltzing back into my life and wrap me around his finger just to keep me on my toes. just to tell me he loves me but now is not a good time. why does he do this to me? why do i keep letting him? we are best friends. well off and on. we have known each other since middle school and now that we finally have the chance to be what we have always wanted to be he is still battling his feelings for another. he is still grieving. he makes me worry and wonder, what makes this time any different? he says the emotions aren't the same as before, but how can they be after all we have put each other through? we've broken each other and others have come along and broken us. when the heart breaks it cannot love the same as it did before but it can still love...he keeps saying if he has another chance with her it would end in marriage. but if that's the case how can you tell me you really love me? i keep thinking that this is it. i've gotten my man, my coastie. but then he throws this curve ball. he keeps flipping back and forth, but can you blame him? i'm the same way when i'm grieving. i just wish there was more i could do, that i could show him what he has before him, show him he's better off without her...

Well here it is...

I can't believe it's already been a year since I last blogged. I knew I had a lot going on, but I guess I never realized how much or how quickly time passes. Sadly, I guess I had nothing worth sharing.

I will say though, that editing my blog has been a bit frustrating. I can't remember where everything is since I haven't done it in so long!

But as I sit here at work, when I really should be working on my homework, I decided that I wanted to start writing again. I want to put the pen to the paper and write until I can't write anymore.

This last year has really been a struggle for me...well really the last two years almost. I've had so many different life changing events happen (that maybe one day I will go into further detail about). I'm so burnt out on school but at the same time I'm so close to graduating. I don't want to be like the rest of my high school class and be a university drop out because we can't keep our grades up long enough to get a bachelor's degree. I'm literally a semester away.

The men in my life...well that's a who entry in itself. It's ever changing as always...for short let's just say I am single but I do have a prospect or two.

Because of my grades I've had to step down from my sorority, which really sucks, but at the same time I have to remind myself that I am here for my education first and foremost. I also am no longer a member of the marching band because of health reasons and it was really too time consuming. The new director really just took the fun out of it for me and since I am paying all my own bills now it just wasn't worth my time anymore. I miss it so much but I really feel that it is for the best.

Over the last year I have become a Whovian so I probably will end up posting a lot of pictures and Doctor Who references over time. My friend Katie and I are going to be going to ComiCon in May. I can't wait!

I've bounced around from job to job, but as of right now I am working at the new hotel in town. This building has been sitting here for almost 5 years unoccupied because the original owner went bankrupt but now it has been taken over and finished and finally opened. It's nice but it's not the same as waiting tables. The big delima for me now is, do I stay at the hotel? or go back to Bear Lake (the country club I worked at this past summer)? I'm sure one of my future entries will be about this internal debate...

I will also probably start to post comments about my History or Anthropological Theory class and my White Collar Crime class. Those two teachers are awesome and for some reason I can always throw what I have learned in those classes into everyday conversation (makes me feel like a brainiac on the inside).

I've recently been trying to catch up on watching The Walking Dead. I didn't realize it but I was two seasons behind!

I have also  acquired a dog over the last year. I ended up rehoming Rosie (my ball python) and Rigor (the little shit stain of a puppy I had). I will more than likely talk about Prim more than my friends. She's my baby girl. She is the best pet I could ever ask for. She has so much attitude and so much love to give. It's her and I in one bedroom apartment for now. We hope to be moving soon though. I know she would be much happier with more of a yard to run around in.

My mom is still going through a divorce but she has a boyfriend that lives with her. I really like him and he's good for her and Scotty is still alive. He's just getting really old.

This is the one thing about writing at night and only getting an hour of sleep before coming to work the night shift. I'm so sleepy!

Well until next time,
best wishes.

even though no one reads this anymore...

it's pouring rain
and has been for days.
it seems like it never ends
and yet the world keep turning.

the rain still falls,

the birds still sing,

students still study,

and work,

and sing.

i love the rain

most days at least.

the new semester starts

even though things are really that green

it's a new year

a new semester

a new scene.

this world is what we make it.

what will it be for you?

as i lay me down to sleep...

as i sit here, and my winter break comes to a close, i think about on what this past year has been for me. i do not frown or regret it. i do not wish to change it. there are many things i never expected to happen to me. a year ago i never saw myself being where i am today. As the new year takes off, a new job, as well as a new semester, i can't wait to see what this year throws at me. Some changes will 

be made and lessons will be learned, all to help me become more of the woman God has meant for me to be. and so, with it all being said and done, this quote seems fitting. :) here's to a new year, new chances, and new beginnings.

they may come and they may go...

it really sucks how people you held so dear to you don't stay in your life for very long. one minute they're there and the next, they're gone. whether its distance, communication, or other motives they may have had. i've always been one to care too much about the people i value in my life. and no matter what kind of relationship you have with a person, when they're gone, it hurts. all i want is for that person to be happy, no matter how i feel. and in turn that happened, but i got left behind....

it makes me wonder if there's something that i'm doing wrong...i've always said everything happens for a reason and things will play out how God has intended for them to be. i really hate how there are so many different factors that play into friendships and relationships. it seems like at times you're walking on egg shells and others its a smooth path...

i wish people would speak they're mind at that point in time instead of letting things get too far and when you finally confront them about it or why they're being so distant it hits you like a ton of bricks. life would be so much easier that way.

what i was once long ago...

          For some reason instead of studying for exams like every other student on Western's campus, I can't seem but to remember and reflect on my distant past. How people change and who has come and gone out of my life. Things are so different between now and then...In psychology we covered a chapter on child development and how children rationalize and grow mentally. "When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; but when I became a man I put a way these childish things." 1Corinthians 13:11. It seems as though not only does Jean Piaget's philosophy on cognitive development seem to have been lived and understood, but also that of my religious faith. I have grown so much and have come so far in this life. But not only have I lived and learned, I have seen many people come and go in my life. People I thought I could not live without I am living without. People I once loved, or what my understanding of love was, are just a faded memory...We are at the stage in life where we can either fight to hold onto those childish ways and rationality or we can become the adult we are meant to be. It's hard to find one willing to do that at times. We are all about living life to the fullest and as carefree as can be, but we will never be able to do that unless we live, love, learn, let go, and most of all, grow...sometimes I just wish this was understood by more people. (the childish games get old after a while)

         

"They say it's what you make I say it's up to fate..."

Life is so full of twists and turns
I don't know where that's from.
My demons seem to find me
and new ones are on the run.
Looks, stares, glares...they're all the same
Nothing make sense but they all remain

I am only human
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Like Charlie Brown I live my life.
Simple, plain, enjoyment, then breathe

The heart feels as the lungs breathe
Uncertainty among the air
love, loss, hard, I must confess
my emotions control me never the less.