So as I promised I would fill you in on this past year, almost now, that I have neglected to blog during. So now where to start...
Just to clarify the guy in the picture from my very first post, well we are no longer together. Friends, yes, but lovers no more. He made me choose between him and the sorority I was a new member of and I choose my sorority and schooling over him. When he made me choose, someone else came in and befriended me. He supported me, loved my passion in band, school, Delta Zeta, and life in general.
He showed me what real love was. I came from a broken home, where I doubted the meaning of love and true happiness. Isn't that what we all want in our lives? He gave me that, he showed me a side to life I had never imagined. But with that came more bad than good. He wouldn't stand for me to be friends with ex-boyfriends. He wouldn't dare be understand of friends of the opposite sex. And lying to him when trying to tie up loose ends with my ex was just icing on the cake.
He considered my lying cheating. We tried to fix things, but it never worked. I didn't realize it but he took my spirit. He controlled me more than I wanted to realize...my soon to be sisters at the time saw it, my relationship with my dad was going to down hill so he wasn't in the picture, and I lost all motivation for school and classwork. He convinced me to move in with him...he went through my phone records, my emails, everything...our arguments eventually turned into fighting.
It escalated from yelling and screaming to actual physical abuse. It all started when he got in my face. I warned him I would hit him to back off but he didn't listen; he egged me on. And so I did. I pushed him away and when he came back into my face I smacked him...next thing I knew I was in the bathroom bawling and screaming because I couldn't hear. He smacked me back and hit me so hard he made my ear ring and my jaw go numb. I was literally scared of him because he promised to never hit me...after that our next real fight he picked me up, choking me and threw me across the room to the bed. I started packing my things to leave I was so scared. Even though I didn't want too and I loved him, he had turned into a monster...
When he finally broke up with me I turned to my ex before him and he turned to his ex before me. For two months he had her over during the week, and me on the weekends. He had me convinced that I still had a chance, I just had to show him; prove it to him. So I did. I gave up everything. I did everything he wanted, but I still wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough. He would lie when I asked him about his ex. He would even get mad sometimes, or frustrated. Once I found out I was pregnant, that's when I found everything out. I found out the truth behind everything he was doing and now there was a baby in the equation.
I always said I would never do what I did but for some reason I let him make the decision about what to do now that there was a baby in the picture. I let him influence me and control me. Even more now. We fought and argued still, but in the end he convinced me an abortion was the best option. As parents you want what's best for your child. You don't want them to have to be in a separated family. We want to be able to provide for our child and not have to say no because we couldn't afford things. I knew I was going to have to give up my goals and dreams for this baby...it seemed so surreal most days.
I still remember the day we went to the clinic like it was yesterday. I remember every emotion I felt...It really was the longest day of my life, but he was right there beside me going through this with me. But he did go through what I did. He didn't have the ultrasound done to determine how far along the fetus was. He did have blood work done, or watch the movie informing you what the procedure entailed, or have an IV in his arm. He did have to sit in the prep room in a gown with another girl going through the same thing as you. He did have to lay on a hospital bed, with his legs in stir-ups counting the butterflies on the poster they had on the ceiling. He didn't had medicine put in his IV to make you go numb. He didn't hear the sound of the vacuum or feel the tugging when the procedure was performed...he didn't feel your own child being taken from you...
I wanted to tell her to stop. I wanted the doctor to stop, right when she started. But I knew then that she couldn't. My baby was gone and if she had only done a partial abortion my baby would be still born or even possibly deformed because of it...according to the law, you are required to wait 4 hours between the time of the blood work and ultra sound and the time the procedure is performed. During those 4 hours I wanted to run. I wanted to leave. But I couldn't...our relationship was so broken and I knew I couldn't raise a child on my own. I didn't know if I could rely on him to be there through the pregnancy or be a part of the child's life after birth. I just couldn't...
That day, was the first day in a long time I had herd him tell me he loved me and actually meant it. He was the guy he was when I fell in love with him. He was supportive, caring, and loving...but no matter what he wouldn't understand. I know he tried...he let me stay with him during my recovery. But he wasn't there most of the time. He would leave the apartment and go do whatever. I honestly don't know what...I sort of pushed him away at first. Just because I was so upset. I literally cried for two days straight...
After my week of recovery and my three week check up things went back to chaos. I went back to living in my room and he went back to spending his time with his ex or whatever it was he did. The day things completely ended between us was a very interesting day. He started out texting me, talking about wanting me to come over and was talking about giving our relationship a second chance because we'd been through so much. But in a matter of minutes that all changes. My ex had messaged him, telling him that I had spent time with him and was hiding that there was a possibility it could have been his child. I know for a fact it was not his child, but I had only done what he had done to me with his ex...and yet I was still the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I went to his apartment to try and talk to him, but she was there so everything he had said earlier that morning I questioned...but he would not answer the door or talk to me. That was the day it completely ended between us.
Now, not only was I grieving a child, I was grieving this man who had made me believe in true happiness. That true love really existed. A man who showed me what it was like to hope for and plan a future with someone...Months went by and we didn't talk. I tried calling him when I would break down and get tore up about it all. But it was still, no answer. No response...Nothing...I was alone and empty.
During the next 6 months I threw myself into work. I worked three jobs and lived alone. I was seeing a counselor on a weekly basis and taking medicine to help me control my emotions and fight depression and anxiety. I did anything and everything I could to keep my mind off of what had happened. I sought out a better relationship with God and started writing letters to my baby. I had dreamt about her when I first found out I was pregnant. It was a beautiful little girl with Blonde hair, like her father, but curly like me. She had his blue eyes...and grinned from ear to ear just like me. She was beautiful.
Before all this happened I didn't care too much for wanting kids. I knew I would eventually have some, but I never had a yearn for wanting to be a mother. I had never thought there was such a thing as true love. In today's society the divorce rate is much higher so I had accepted it may take a divorce or two for me to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But because of Josh and Lily that all changed...
I know now that I want to be a mother more than anything in this world and I want to find someone to love me as much as I love them and live happily ever after making all our dreams come true. I thank Josh, for everything. The good, the bad, the pain, and the laughter. He broke me and helped me grow in so many ways. I wouldn't be the way I am now or have the outlook on life and love and God if it wasn't for him.
I'm not very sure how to end this but I think I'll leave it there.
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